When You Don't Have a Boss, You Still Belong to Someone

The sermon at church today was actually entitled  "When Your Boss is a Jerk."  It was a great sermon, and I love learning how to have a biblical perspective on everything, including a jerky boss... but for the first time in almost ten years of marriage, Tom and I looked at each other and realized that neither of us really have a boss anymore.

On Monday, we found out that Tom has lost his job.

In my last post I mentioned that his school was cutting back, and we knew there was some risk that he would be laid off... but, I honestly did not think he would be.  Tom has worked (very hard) for nine years at the same job, regularly moving up the ladder and taking on more responsibility, often for no increase in pay.  He has always received excellent feedback on his evaluations, maintained great work relationships and was in the process of making plans for next year with one of his superiors.  So, we were feeling pretty secure.  Until Monday.

Because Tom works from home, we have slowly been hit with different realities about how this job loss will effect us.  Here are just some...

• We lose our sole income.  While I have always tried to do a little something part-time, I do not work outside the home for a number of reasons.  The biggest being that I genuinely love being home with them, and we decided early on that if there was any possible way for us to live on one income so that I could be home with them full-time, we would do it.  Logistically, it makes sense for me to be home since I would have to make so much money in order to pay for childcare for five kids... and what's the point in making a ton of money, just to end up giving it to someone else for taking care of my kids when I can just take care of them (and love it) for free.  I don't really have any skills that are marketable enough to expect to earn money to cover childcare, let alone to earn more than that.  I would consider a temporary gig, if it were sayyyy... going on tour with inspirational speakers or something.  But even that, I would only consider it if I didn't have to try to guilt women into buying diet pills, because the last time I went to an inspirational conference-type-thing for women, all the speakers were pressuring women to buy these diet pills and I vowed never to attend something like that again.  But, I guess under the circumstances I might consider being a pill pushin' inspiration.... but only because it's short-term. 
• We lose all the home-based work benefits.  Our home phone, Tom's cell phone, our internet, computer, printer, fax machine, a portion of our mortgage and utilities are all considered work expenses because he has worked from home.  We will have to return those things that we have been using for years, and searching for a new job without a phone, computer and/or internet is not exactly possible... so despite this being a time where we will certainly have to cut out all extra expenses, we actually have to start some paying new bills.  The good news is that I have my tippy-tappy (which is what I have named my computer) and I am a very good sharer.  I think that Tom is really excited about doing his job search on my laptop the size of a postage stamp.  Probably the most depressing moment when Tom got laid off is that they called him on his work cell, which is a Blackberry from the 1800's, and when he hung up, the "s" key fell off his phone and rolled down his leg.  At least he isn't sending a good phone back... if they want the very first cellular device ever created, then they can have it.
• We have to find a new job.  I know this is obvious.  I'm still processing, okay.  Finding a new job is a really big undertaking, especially if we want to support a family of SEVEN.  This means we have to make connections, ya know, network.  We gotta be shakin' hands and chit-chattin' around.  This feels really savvy and grown up, and I don't know if Tom will ever be the kind of guy who "just wants to get his name out there" which I am perfectly fine with because guys like that usually annoy me.  But, right now, we gotta get his name out there.  So, for anyone with any connections... his name is Tom, and we'd really like to get that right out there as quickly as possible.
• I have to be an extra good wife.  Don't get me wrong, I should always be a good wife... but when your man loses his job, there is this extra pressure to be super supportive and wonderful.  I don't even know what this "wonderful" is that they speak of, but according to many Google searches, I think I'm doing okay with "supporting my spouse during the ups and downs of unemployment."  I'm pretty sure there is a lot of patting involved, and I am very committed to patting as often as possible.  
• We have to live out all the stuff I write about on here. (Insert dry heaving.)  We have had a rough year, and I have come from some rough stuff even before this year and I have been very open about my struggles on this blog.  So, it comes as no surprise to regular readers when I say that we love Jesus.  I have openly shared our belief in Jesus and I have even shared my UNBELIEF during some really dark moments. (Like, remember that time when London was in the hospital and I said that I would probably turn to street drugs if anything happened to her?  Ya know, low points like that.)  I try to be honest and real about my struggling through this life, while trying to cling to faith in a God who promises to know and see and care.  One thing I took from today's sermon was about resisting the temptation to find our identity in our work.  I realized that our identity, and our security, comes from our Father, so it is not about what job Tom gets, or even about what job I may end up doing for a while... it's not about what we DO that provides for us, but who we BELONG to.  The reality is that if I really believe that God is my father and my provider and I am his daughter... then I have a big, fat inheritance waiting for me.  And if I believed that to be true, then I wouldn't be so worried about what this life looks like right?  Right.  The truth is that I just don't know what faith actually looks like in this situation, but I am gonna Google that too, and I am going to fight really hard to live out all the stuff I write about on here.  

So there you have it.  We are beginning the adventures of unemployment.  I am hoping that this is a very brief journey and that something will come through for us quicker than we expect and that it is such a perfect fit for Tom and our family that it blows our minds.  In the meantime, please pray for us as we make all the necessary changes and sacrifices that need to be made, and that the kids will learn valuable lessons during this time.  (Annalee already suggested we make feedsack dresses and sell eggs like they did during the great depression.)  Please pray that it never comes to that, and also pray for Tom, that he never doubts his competence or his ability to provide for his family, that he would know how proud we are of him and how much we respect and appreciate all of the years he has worked so hard to provide for us.  Pray also for my inexplicable urge to smash my neighbors car windows with a shovel.  I suspect there is a little displaced anger happening in that situation, but I can't exactly say for sure.  Finally, please pray that you will hire Tom.  Thank you and God speed. 

Moving Forward

Sometimes there is so much happening in my life at one time, that I give my blog the cold shoulder.  It's like hitting "ignore" when a long distance friend calls... not because you don't want to talk to her, but because you can't possibly talk to her until you have two solid hours to actually fill each other in on everything going on.

So, here we are, more than a month since my last post, and a lot has gone down.

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you who offered prayers and condolences while Grandpa Anderson (or Papa as he is known by our kids) has suffered from pancreatic cancer, been in hospice and finally, went home to be with his own Papa in heaven.  We felt loved and supported by so many who prayed for our family and came to his funeral to celebrate his life alongside our family.  It has been a long few months watching Papa change into a shadow of himself, but up to the very end he made sure that all the kids had plenty of love, hugs, laughs and treats from Papa's candy bin.



Grandpa's diagnosis came shortly after we brought Jaylen home, so the whole family has been living this parallel life... going from appointment to appointment, test result to test result, and admittedly, from worry to worry.  It has been a very challenging season for all of us.

As far as Jaylen's health is concerned, I am so happy to report that he is doing wonderfully.  He is still considered developmentally delayed, but he is doing exponentially better than he was.  The unresolved issues that he seems to be facing are not at all detectable to an untrained eye.  His muscle tone is still more rigid than it should be, and the default position for his thumbs remains that they are typically indwelling, or sort of tucked in more than they should be.  Both of these things have improved considerably over the past couple of weeks, though, so I am rejoicing in each developmental step that he reaches.  He is rolling over, and holding his chest off the floor, and even seems very close to creeping and crawling soon.... I guess having rigid muscles isn't all bad.  (I've been working very hard to get a little rigidity to my tone, but that isn't working out as well.)

On the hearing front, Jaylen seems to be in the same place.  He is still not responding as a hearing child would, but not entirely as if he were profoundly deaf either.  After wanting a second opinion, and receiving mixed reviews about the results of his Audio Brainstem Response test, the audiologist has decided to repeat the test, hoping for more accuracy now that he is a little older.  That will be in July, the same week that he will have his brain MRI.  Hopefully the two results combined will give us a clear picture of his neurodevelopment as well as the status on his hearing.  In the meantime, the county is sending a physical therapist and a T.O.D. (teacher of the deaf) to the house once a week.  This will help equip us in learning sign language if we need to, as well as give us tools for teaching Jaylen how to communicate.

As if all this weren't enough to keep our minds perpetually occupied, we have also learned that Tom's job situation is a little shaky.  The school he works for has been forced to make a lot of cuts, and we are  waiting for the ax  trusting that the Lord will provide for all our needs and are  absolutely terrified  excited to see what He has in store for us.

The best news that I've got going for me is that Jaylen is doing much better, and he is seriously cuter than all the other babies on planet earth.  Because he is improving, my average of 3-4 appointments/week is now down to maybe 1 per week... which is much better.  Additionally, we finally received a Medicaid number for Jaylen, so the medical bills that are piling up (literally, not figuratively - they are in an actual pile) should all be retroactively paid.  The last time I felt this relieved was when I finally wiggled myself out of a dress that I had stuffed myself into and got stuck in at Marshall's.  Sweet, sweet relief.

In other news, I turned 32 which means I am two years into my mission of becoming fabulous in my 30's.  I have plenty of time left people, so don't panic.  I will be fabulous in the next 8 years.  And then I will buy bedroom furniture... obviously.  I re-read a post that I wrote exactly one year ago today... it was shocking how much has changed, and in some ways, how little.  I feel like I am in a constant state of two steps forward and one step back, and for a long time I settled for that because "Hey! That's progress."  But, I am learning to take those steps back a lot more seriously because they are usually steps caused by self-deception, or laziness, or excuses, or compromise or just plain sin.  I have new standards, where I no longer tolerate myself blatantly taking a step backwards, because life is one slippery slope and this girl just doesn't have enough traction under me where I can afford to excuse even the smallest amount of backsliding.

So there you have it... I haven't come too far in the past two years, but I still care, so that's something.  It's been a big year for our family, hard and good and heartbreaking and beautiful.  We have grown as a family, both in numbers and in faith, and we have learned an unbelievable amount about how God truly does provide.  This past year he has provided us with the strength to move through the first failed adoption, and then provide us with the perfect child for our family.  He has provided us with a group of new and developing friendships, and He has provided for us in so many ways through our friends and church family.  He has provided us with a strong family support who has helped us this past year in more ways that we could describe.

I think that His provision over the past year has proved that He is worth trusting, even during the uncertainty we are facing now with Tom's job.  I think He is worth trusting, and He is definitely worth honoring with as many struggling steps forward as I can possibly muster.  I don't care how small or pathetic they are, as long as I am always moving forward.  After the year we've had, I can't think of anything worse than letting myself go backwards, or God forbid, stop moving altogether.

 In Loving Memory...

Hearing

Today we had Jaylen's ABR test (audio brainstem response) which is a natural sleep test that took about 3 hours to complete. We were not surprised to discover that Jaylen is, in fact, hearing impaired. The bottom line is that Jaylen has mild/moderate hearing loss in both ears and will be fitted for his first pair of hearing aids in June.

We were very surprised to learn that his hearing loss was not considered more profound, since he rarely (if ever) responds to any sound, even very loud noises close to his ears. What is difficult about this is that he SHOULD technically be able to hear conversational speech, but is not responding to it. At this point, this means that the concern is less about his ears now and more about the brain. Basically hearing aids should make the full spectrum of sound available to him, but that won't necessarily mean he can process/receive sound properly. The audiologist confirmed that the hearing loss was likely caused by gentamicin poisoning (toxic levels of the antibiotics he was given at birth.)

We are still processing this new information since, as I already said, we can clap or shout right next to Jaylen's ears, and he usually won't even blink. We are also trying to wrap our minds around what it means to receive sound, but not be able to respond to it. This new discovery puts significantly more stock into the brain MRI. We were originally undecided about whether or not we were going to do pursue that test,the but after today, I would have them to the MRI tomorrow if they would let us.

Without a good look at his brain, there is no way of knowing what is causing the disconnect between receiving some sound and his ability to startle when appropriate, or turn toward a loud sound or voice.

I am exhausted and confused. I had prepared myself for the "worst case scenario" and was feeling excited about
moving forward with some answers and a plan, no matter what the diagnosis was. I felt confident that we would be able to work with any challenges that we faced, and that there were going to be awesome and exciting things that we wouldn't get to experience with a hearing child. I felt prepared to tackle the challenges and move in a clear direction. The only thing I was really unwilling to tolerate was more unknowns... Surprise! We know less now than when we started. Well, it feels that way at least.

The good news is that none of this surprises the One who created Jaylen. Each of Jay's days has been written out since the beginning of time, so I am praising the Lord that He is neither shocked by this (nor as irritated) as I am. For anyone willing to fall on your faces in prayer, we would ask that you pray specifically for quick answers. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking God to do a miracle... I'll take one for sure! More than anything though, I am asking God for provision no matter what his health situation is. I don't ever want anyone to think that God failed if He doesn't choose to make Jaylen hear or process sound the way you and I do. Perhaps the true miracle would be loving him just the way he is and enjoying all that he will teach us through the way HE hears and processes.

That being said, I am praying for sheer speed in receiving answers. I can take whatever they tell us. God will provide all the Jaylen (and we) need. I can let God stretch me, and I can trust that He loves Jay even more than we do. But Mama needs some fast answers, because I can do a lot of things, but waitin' ain't one.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

My apologies to those of you who have been begging me for an update on Jaylen's health.  I have ignored almost all of you, and for that I really am sorry.  I am tired.  I am parenting so many people.  I am swamped with doctor's appointments, housework, normal parenting issues, adjusting to life with five, backed up work from my business, major life changes in more areas than I could even share, and just a pinch of clinical depression.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving life with my sweet baby #5, and everyone is adjusting beautifully... but, it has been such a hard season for us.  Tom's grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just days after we brought Jaylen home, so all things normal have been flipped upside down as we process both this new baby person entering our family, at the same time a beloved elder is preparing to leave it.  It has been so sad, and so hard to watch the family grieve and cope and care for him.  I am proud to have married into such a remarkable family, though, and the love and joy they show to one another is rare to say the least.  We have been treasuring any time we have with Papa, and the kids in particular are slowly processing what this all means.

I am more than overdue for an update on Jaylen's health, so I will briefly tell you what I know... which isn't much.  At this point, the neurologist and audiologist believe that the type and amount of antibiotics that Jaylen was given in the NICU are what caused Jaylen's hearing loss.  They also suspect that the level was toxic enough to also cause enough damage to his brain to cause developmental delays.  We do not know how extensive his hearing loss is, or the neurological concerns for that matter.  The next steps for the hearing will be at the end of this month, and the results of that will determine if/when the neurologist will put Jaylen under anesthesia for a full brain MRI.

So, it's not awesome.

This week, we have the cardiologist, a speech therapist and a physical therapist appointment.  The two latter are early intervention evaluations provided through the county.  I am thankful that we have so many free resources available to us through the county, especially since our insurance is committed to a staunch denial of payment for any and all services that cost more than a buck fifty.  (Okay, it's not that bad, but, if everyone who worked for that insurance company was moderately tortured, I wouldn't speak up for the first few days or so... I'm just saying.)

Apart from that, I am trying to adjust to all the major changes in my life.  Friendships, family dynamics, support network, etc... everything is under construction, and my neurons have responded by trying to convince me that the answer lies somewhere at the bottom of a can of sweetened condensed milk and an episode of Grey's Anatomy.  I can tell you  from  personal experience  an ancient Chinese proverb, that that is a lie from the pit of hell and neither ridiculously sweet milk, nor really bad TV will make you less depressed.

Jaylen has been sleeping through the night regularly, so I am getting back on my early morning routine, which is much more conducive to glorifying God and anti-depression than the aforementioned game plan.  These early mornings consist of a 4:45am wake up time, going to Planet Fitness to work out and get back home in time to shower and do my Bible study before the kids get up at 7:00am for school.  By the time the kids are starting school, I have been awake for five hours.  It's total insanity, but it makes me way less insane in the long run.  And if all goes well with my workouts, my butt will move back up to where it used to be.  I figure an inch a month is a reasonable goal... so, I am looking forward to a normally placed fanny by Christmas of 2014.  If I am successful, I am going to send detailed results in one of those Christmas newsletters that highlights family accomplishments.  So, we can all be looking forward to that.

This season has, obviously, been very challenging and apart from Christ, I would be hopeless and unable to get out of bed every day. Apart from my faith in Christ, I would be overwhelmed with suffering and I would probably be a bitter, hunchbacked lady swearing at people in the grocery store.  Apart from Christ, seasons like this would simply do me in.  But, the reality is that I never have to live or breathe one breath apart from Christ... which is such good news indeed.  I know I have a loooooong way to go in maturing and understanding who this Jesus person was and is, and what his life and death and (most importantly) his rising mean to me, but I know one thing for sure... I am helpless to do my story apart from His.

Can I get a witness.

Reuniting With Birthmom: Visit #1

This past weekend was our first visit to New York City since our son, Jaylen, was finally released from the NICU and able to come home and meet his new family.  We have waited with reserved hope during the thirty day window that Jaylen's birthmom ("Miss N.") has to revoke her consent of the adoption placement.  We had no reason to suspect that she would change her mind, but, naturally... there is a good amount of stress that comes with waiting to know for sure.

Jaylen and I flew to Manhattan on day #30.  It felt a little risky, like I was hand-delivering a last chance to get a good look and re-evaluate... but, rather than focusing on my own fear, I wanted her to have a visit on the horizon to look forward to during that first month, and we felt that it was really important for her to be reassured that we would make visits a priority.

Our visit was really nice.  Jaylen and I stayed with Melissa, a childhood friend of Tom's.  We had a great time... so much so that her friends thought that she and I knew each other from childhood.  We smuggled Jaylen into a late night movie, we ate the most amazing food, and we stayed up way too late chatting about anything and everything.  It was such a blessing to have a place to stay, but more than anything it was nice to be able to host Miss N. and some of her family members.  Visiting in coffee shops or a restaurant works, but isn't ideal.  First of all, the time restraints are a little too much pressure, plus it gets expensive... but, more than anything, I discovered that answering the usual adoption questions is 1,000 times more uncomfortable IN FRONT of the birthmother.

Oh. My. Word.

Melissa got a little peek into my world, which includes both unintentionally, and INtentionally racist remarks... and so much staring.  Even in New York City, the great melting pot of cultural diversity, nothing draws the stares of every person with a pulse more than a black baby swaddled up on his white mother.  Don't get me wrong, people "ooh" and "ahh" and say all sorts of wonderful things, but it really can be quite a spectacle at times.  At one point Melissa and I could not even finish our conversation because a wide-eyed guy was so obviously staring at us for a solid seven minutes, we just started laughing hysterically.  The most awkward moments came when one inquirer persistently asked question after question in front on Miss N.

How do I answer the question "Is he yours?"   Saying "He's ours..." only led to more questions.  Vague answers don't do the trick, so N. finally interjected that she was his birthmom.  Even then, the questions only continued.  "So you adopted her baby?  And you're here visiting?"

In the almost six years since we adopted Harper, we have sort of learned how to navigate the stares and questions of nosy onlookers.  We have learned to subtly correct  totally rude and ignorant  less sensitive language.  We have learned how to say things like "You wanna step outside?" "That is a great question, but actually we don't just consider our biological children 'our own,' all of our kids are ours!"  We have learned how to  verbally backhand  subtly offer more sensitive and appropriate language, and I rarely get upset, and I am almost never shocked anymore.  Answering those questions with an audience is a little more intense, and answering them in front of Miss N. was not easy.

We fumbled our way through the situation, and agreed to come up with a game plan for the future.  The bottom line, though, is that I am so fortunate to be answering these questions because it means that I get to be a part of something that is worth noticing and knowing more about.  And the fact that I am answering these questions with Miss N. sitting by my side means that I have one of those really rare opportunities to know and love the first mom of my precious baby boy.

Sure, it can get uncomfortable, but if that is the worst of my baby mama drama, I really can't complain!