October 21, 2012

Is An Untitled Post Okay, Just This Once?

I committed to doing 31 days of kindness for the month of October because I wanted to honor my brother's life and memory in a way that would also honor that God that he and I both adore. For Day 21, I forced my family to cheer loudly for participants in a cycling race because the smug folks of Manhattan refuse to humiliate themselves for the sake of encouragement. Many cyclists were visibly appreciative, some were audibly appreciative, and some were smug Manhattanites who were clearly irritated at our humiliating ourselves.

We did this, and some other fun things today as we waited for news about this little baby boy we have come to bring home. After waiting all day, we finally got some news.

The baby was born very early this morning. He is healthy and so is his birthmama. I have waited so long for that news, and I know that many of you have also. The bottom line, though, is that birth is a game-changer. I get it, I have done it three times. There is adrenaline, the sense that you can do anything, and emotions run high... and the reality is that people change their plans after a baby is born.

We don't know anything for sure, but at this point it is looking like the birthparents are overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, and it is absolutely their right to respond to that with a change of plans, but that would mean it isn't really looking good for us.

I meant it when I said that I truly want what is best for this baby, even if it isn't me. But, I didn't know how hard it would be. And I couldn't imagine that it wouldn't be us, our family, our home.

A lot of decisions have to be made, by people who love this baby even more than we do. I am praying that their decisions be wise and sure and that we have the grace and peace to handle it.

I know that a lot of you started following this blog because of the 31 days of kindness... And I am certain this is more than you bargained for. (Trust me, it's hardly what I had in mind.) But, I think I knew my brother pretty well in his short life, and I am learning that my life is what honors his memory, not how I spend the month of October. So, although it is more than we bargained for... This is my life. It is a lot like this crazy city. There is some beauty, some stench, some tension, some devastation, some history, some mystery and some chaos. It's the truth though... My life is like this, this city is like this, adoption is like this.

So, there you have it. Day 21, we made fools of ourselves as we encouraged cyclists in a race. No big deal.  We are trying really hard to live lives that bring light into a dark world, and I think that just telling the truth about it all is a pretty big deal. No matter what happens with this baby tomorrow, I know that God has him in the palm of his hand, and even of it takes everything in me... I will humiliate myself in encouraging this birthmom to finish this race of parenting before I let myself get bitter and stop trying to do what's right.


  1. Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you guys. And, for the baby. And, his birth parents. I hope that they make the right decision whatever it may be and that the this baby has an amazing life.
    Thank you for sharing your journey of honoring your brother's memory through these 31 days!! You are an amazing person and I'm blessed that I was your friend in high school....

  2. Oh Lara. I'm sorry. I'll be praying today and I am so hopeful for a turn in your favor. I thought of that verse, "For we have been made a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men." 1 Corinthians 4:9b when I was reading your post. It's what Jesus did for us, and what you're doing for this birth mom. It must be so hard, but you're being Jesus to her, even in the little things. I know He'll help you do it. Or He'll help you when you become a parent to 5, I hope!

  3. Praying so so hard for you guys. One of my very best friends has been in the exact place you have so I've witnessed up close and personal exactly what you're going through. I am so sorry. My hear hurts for you and for the family of this baby. It makes my heart ache for heaven in a way nothing else seems to. You are often on my mind and therefore often on my lips in prayer.

  4. I know this pain, this confusion, this pull. I'm sorry you are going through it. It is so, so hard.
    Hugs to you and your family. Big, fat, hugs.