Day 3: Sweet & Beautiful Heartbreak

Yesterday was one of those days where you spend the whole day either crying, or trying not to cry, or eating so much Chinese takeout.

We have spent countless hours on trains and Tom pulled more than one body part brisk walking from one subway station to the next. We have navigated the metro system pretty well, but it allows us very little time to process any of the craziness that we are experiencing.

This is truly one of the hardest things we have gone through together, but also one of the most beautiful. Our time with N. has been very sweet and wonderful, which also describes her perfectly. We also had some very precious time holding baby boy in the NICU.

He was amazing, his grip was strong, he is eating and sleeping like champ and his eye contact was impeccable - like he really cared about what we had to say, ya know? Not like some other babies who are all like "blah blah blah," but never take the time to really listen.

I'm joking, but the point is that deep down I know he has some infection somewhere, but you absolutely cannot tell... to me he just seemed perfectly perfect.

We had the opportunity to speak with the man who's consent we need in order to move forward with the adoption. He voiced his concerns and we were able to address those and share a little about who we are and what life with us might look like. I debated about whether or not to again promise not to burn anyone, but it didn't seem like it would make as much sense in this conversation. Nevertheless, the call was overall very positive and left us feeling pretty confident that he agrees with and supports the adoption plan.

This is a small step in one of a million hurdles before we can actually call this baby ours. But, it's a start. We did get the hospital social worker to sort of advocate for us a little so that the staff can start to understand that we need to be in the loop also, and we did get permission to be with him in the NICU even after N. goes home. This was a huge relief because I am really eager to bond with him, and neither N. nor us want him to be there alone.

Our time was very emotional there, but I have never seen such strength in all my life. I don't know how somebody can be so engaged with their baby, loving, affectionate, proud and beaming... and still have the clarity of thought to remain focused on her plan. In my ignorance I assumed one must remain emotionally closed off or else they change their mind.

This is not the case. Miss N. is very open and loving. She said is remaining focused not on her own pain, but the fact that she believes that what is best for him is to be with us, specifically.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to wrap my head around that. I simply cannot fathom such sacrificial love coming from a human person. That is pure, divine, Jesus love being shown through that young girl.

Please pray for her precious heart, and she is asking specifically for prayers for strength and peace. I have never seen anyone stronger or more peaceful in all my life, so you'll be happy to know that your prayers are working in advance.

Today N. will be leaving the hospital, and hearts will break. Ours, hers, and that sweet boy who doesn't know what's coming. But, as long as she wants us to be his parents... we will be there with and for them both. And we will do everything possible to be worthy of being his mommy and daddy.