We are back in that place - that vulnerable place - where we are going through the end of a pregnancy with an even-more-vulnerable girl who is faced with making the hardest decision of her life.
After our last experience, we weren't sure what to think when our social worker called about a new possible adoption. Most people reminded me to temper any feelings of excitement, so as not to get so disappointed this time. I have tried that for almost two weeks now, and I have decided that I am all done. I am just going to dive head-first into all the emotions of it, and I am not going to even try to hold back. Perhaps that makes me clinically insane, but... is that really news to anyone??
Here is the problem, I have spent a lifetime trying to "prepare myself" for all the horrible things that are coming my way.
Lara: "Oh, this is a happy marriage!"
Lara "Well, he's probably leavin' in a minute, so don't get too excited."
Lara: "Wow, I have been blessed with such a full, beautiful family."
Lara: "Maybe they aren't beautiful, maybe they are all hideous and you're the only one who doesn't know it."
Lara: "Wow, I really think I am making some personal progress."
Lara: "Ha! You can't even spell progress!"
Lara: "I totally just spelled it correctly."
Lara: "Whatever, you didn't even get the underlying point - which is that you are pretty useless."
Lara: "That was mean. But you're probably right."
See! I know how to temper all things positive and hopeful. I can straight up ruin a good outlook like nobody's business. The problem is that if/when the other shoe drops, I am not really any more prepared by having been obsessively worrying and protecting myself, and "pre-hurting" certainly doesn't make it hurt less in the long run. The reality is that I have just pre-lived the nightmare before I even needed to. And in the case that no shoe drops... I lived a nightmare for no reason at all!
So, here I go. I am packing bags. I am packing for our family of six, and I am even packing for a seventh, just in case this maybe baby ends up being the "mistry baby" we have waited for for so long.
After another wonderful conversation with the young woman who is planning to have her baby adopted, (and a family member of hers who is her main support) we feel like we need to prepare for the reality that a baby might actually be coming home with us this time.
She expressed her desire to meet with us before the baby comes (he is due in a week, so we kinda gotta hussle!) and also that she would like us to be at the hospital when she goes into labor.
We reassured her that our support for her is not conditional, and that us being there to support her is not based on any pressure or guilt or attempt to manipulate her into following through with her adoption plan. Our heart is to be there and support her despite what she decides. We truly want what is best for her and this baby, and I am thankful that we don't have to be the ones to decide what that is!
THIS truly explains our heart on the matter, and really it boils down to the fact that we love, because He first loved us. Someone has to love first... so, we are just gonna start. She seems very decided and sure, and said that our conversation and the family member's approval and support of us was a "huge confirmation" for her. Call us crazy, but we are moving forward with pre-loving this woman and her child, opposed to pre-living the nightmare.
We will either live through a horrible situation or we won't... So, we have chosen to wait and just bravely do it once if we must, instead of doing it a thousand times over before we need to.
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste death but once." William Shakespeare
So let the packing begin...